by Carolyn Schwartz, Ph.D. & Victor J. Goldman, C.S.W
Like a tidal wave resulting from an onrushing meteor, the flow of painful feelings evoked when couples participate in ballroom dance competitions can be overwhelming and threatening to the stability of a couple’s relationship. In response to a number of requests from readers, we are devoting this column to a study of the psychological factors which come into play when couples enter the world of competitive dancing. This article will focus on amateur competitors, since the factors that professional dancers face, such as earning a living, present another set of dynamics.
Why do people choose to compete?
1) The desire to win approval.
2) To improve one’s skills.
3) The need to be seen.
4) The focus that a deadline provides.
5) The intensity which competing stimulates.
6) Being a part of the excitement and spectacle of a competition.
7) The social relationships which develop as you get to know other competitors.
8) Being the best.
9) The validation of one’s improvement by experts.
10) The motivation to practice.
11) The strengthening of the connection couples feel towards one another as they pursue a common goal.
12) Impress or win favor with a teacher who is encouraging his students to compete.
13) Opportunity to experiment with dress and costume design.
However, in order to achieve these goals most couples must meet the following challenges and face unresolved issues often dating back to childhood experiences:
1) Being compared to other dancers (sibling rivalry)
2) Being judged by one’s superiors (parental criticism and feelings of shame)
3) Not being number 1 (parental demands for higher performance - feelings of inadequacy)
4) Making mistakes in front of others (fear of parental anger and punishment)
5) Being evaluated by one’s physical appearance (eating disorder issues - societal pressure to have a perfect body and look young)
These individual factors further intensify the problems that couples normally encounter when social dancing; such as, “who’s to blame,” communication difficulties, control issues, preoccupation with oneself and failure to emphasize the importance of the couple’s connection.
So, what’s a couple to do?
Popular advice is: Dance for yourself. It’s not who wins, but how you played the game. Don’t take the judges’ decisions personally - it’s all political anyway. Don’t let other’s opinions effect you, and when all else fails - the answers for all problems of the 90's - Get over it and just do it.
While many of these suggestions have merit, they are not so easily accomplished. In fact, not being able to implement them, often leads to further feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism. It is our opinion, that these suggestions fail to help dancers and relationship issues in general because they ignore what competitors are actually experiencing and encourage them to feel another way. Most couples who compete want to win or at least be acknowledged for their efforts, and are disappointed, angry, or hurt when they are not recognized. Most people are anxious about being judged and fear making mistakes and feeling humiliated in front of an audience who are in fact judging their competence and physical appearance.
We believe an approach that includes the following would be more helpful than self talk alone or just sucking it up.
1) Begin, by discussing your reasons for competing. Are there differences? Can both of your needs be accommodated?
2) Share your feelings about being judged, winning or losing, and making mistakes. Try not to ridicule or minimize your partner’s fears or anxieties, though they may not make sense or seem trivial to you. Take the time to create a safe space with lots of love and compassion for one another. The caring and understanding you give one another can serve as a corrective experience for the emotional wounds suffered in early years. The release of these feelings in words to a supportive partner may also allow your body to relax and move more freely as negative emotions are often held in contracted muscles as a defense against the pain of feeling unloved or rejected.
3) Encourage each other to be honest with one another about any disappointment or hurt experienced when you do not dance well; and really celebrate together when you reach your goal and feel successful.
4) Agree in advance to an ongoing evaluation of your individual and joint experiences in dance competitions. Are we in sync? Have our goals changed? Most importantly - Is competing contributing to our positive regard for each other?
5) If arguments occur frequently, take a time out. Spend some time alone so that each of you can clarify your concerns about your dance partnership. Talk with your teacher or coach. If that fails to help, visit a relationship counselor who can help you explore and resolve issues that may be deeply rooted in your past and are effecting your dancing as well as other aspects of your life.
6) Paying attention to the emotional flow or lack of it will help you avoid emotional collisions between the two of you. Dancesport competitions can be exciting, stimulating and growth enhancing, but only if your relationship takes first place.
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