ORIGINS
by Carolyn Schwartz, PhD & Victor J. Goldman, CSW
Where do they come from? How does a seemingly innocuous remark or request divert us from an evening of enjoyable dancing or prevent us from being able to make the most out of a dance lesson? Why did our partner comment on how we were dancing at the absolute worst moment?
Most of us have experienced these situations which can lead to a temporary cessation of our dancing pleasure, or to an early ending of an evening of social dance, or to the termination of dancing together. In this article we will explore the causes for couples’ arguments while dancing together; those that arise out of the natural conflict between two people with differences, those that develop from gender differences, and those that have their roots in intra psychic struggles which come from unresolved childhood issues.
Many fights occur from the natural tension that results when two beings attempt to coordinate their efforts in a joint endeavor like ballroom dancing. Their bodies are often shaped differently, their pace of movement is not the same, the size of their steps may be varying lengths, they may hear the beat slower or faster than one another, and they may have different goals, priorities and motivations for dancing. Is it any surprise that couples find themselves entangled when they are required to negotiate all of these differences in order to avoid stepping on each others’ toes, collisions with other dancers and looking foolish to all the eyes that we imagine are watching us.
As if natural and physical differences are not enough, the challenge of gender differences follows us around the dance floor and is forever inviting us to struggle with one another. Here are just a few: men and women communicate with different purposes and in dissimilar styles (many men have trouble communicating verbally); males often have difficulty taking instruction in front of their partners; most men are used to competitive activities where the goal is winning and not simply the enjoyment of movement; and men expect to be superior to women in most physical pursuits but dancing is one in which the majority of women have had more training and exposure to dance as children (ballet, tap, and jazz).
Finally, each of us carry some childhood wounds which may be unresolved and become activated while dancing. If we were heavily criticized as children, we may find ourselves enraged at our partners if they comment negatively on the way we are dancing; those of us whose parents placed intense demands upon us for perfection, may find ourselves exploding when we or our partner makes a mistake, no matter how small; if we were physically abused as youngsters, we may experience extreme sensitivity to our partner's touch and movements; and unfavorable comparisons to our siblings may cause us to judge our dancing harshly or avoid situations where there are dancers who we think are superior to us.
Of course the above examples are just a few of the obstacles we may face during social dancing. In order to deal effectively with them, we must have an understanding of their origins and the best methods for dealing with the various problems. Those conflicts which develop from the differences between two persons and gender disparities must be negotiated between the two partners. We believe this is a natural process of two persons working out their relationship and not a symptom of deeper pathology. Those issues which come from childhood upbringing or trauma must be worked through by the individual, though her/his partner can lend support for the process (which might be counseling or some form of self-discovery like meditation or movement therapy). We would like to suggest that couples having difficulty communicating or negotiating their differences whatever the source, talk with their dance instructor if she/he is experienced in teaching couples, or seek a consultation with a relationship or marital counselor. Such an action is likely to significantly increase your ability to enjoy dancing together.
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